In a bipartisan gesture described as “long overdue” and “the only thing everyone in the country can agree about,” lawmakers have voted to elevate the quarterly all-hands meeting to a federal holiday, citing its national reach, its unifying effect on the workforce, and the unanimous reverence of all who have been forced to attend one.

The new observance will fall on a floating date each quarter, determined by whichever Tuesday is most inconvenient for whichever team is most overloaded. Employers will be required to mark the holiday by gathering their workforces, projecting a slide deck titled “Vision, Velocity, and Vibes,” and reading the same agenda aloud that was already circulated by email two days earlier.

“This is a profoundly American tradition,” said one sponsor of the legislation, identifying the all-hands meeting as a cultural institution on par with the parade and the casserole. “Every quarter, in every sector, in every time zone, workers come together to learn that the strategy has been refined, the priorities have been re-prioritized, and that we are, as ever, at an inflection point.”

Under the new law, the holiday will feature ceremonial elements long associated with the form. A senior executive will appear with a wireless microphone whose battery is failing. A junior employee will be unmuted while saying something they did not intend to broadcast. A slide will be displayed sideways for at least seven minutes while someone searches for the cable. Tradition will be maintained.

Citizens will be invited to participate even if their employers do not host a meeting of their own. Public broadcasts will feature a national all-hands, hosted by a rotating cast of former executives, in which the country’s collective priorities will be summarized in three pillars, restated as four pillars, and then quietly reduced to two pillars before the closing thank-you slide.

Small businesses will be permitted a modified observance, in which the owner emails the staff a paragraph that begins “I just wanted to take a moment” and ends with the words “thoughts, questions, concerns.” Employees will be required to reply with a thumbs-up emoji within four hours, at which point the holiday will be considered duly celebrated.

The legislation has been welcomed by middle managers, who have long argued that their contributions to national life have gone insufficiently recognized. “For too long, the meeting has been treated as an obstacle to productivity,” said one director, speaking from a conference room in which a poster reminded attendees that meetings are themselves a kind of productivity. “We are finally giving it the respect it deserves.”

Critics have noted that the holiday, by virtue of occurring within a meeting, will be the only federal observance during which Americans are not permitted to leave the building. Proponents have countered that this is precisely the point, and that the discipline of remaining in one’s seat while a roadmap is unveiled is itself a form of civic participation.

A companion bill, introducing a national day of silence to be observed during the Q-and-A portion at the end, has been referred to committee.