Humor

11 articles tagged with this topic

Pentagon retroactively declares this conversation a victory

The Department of Defense announced Tuesday afternoon that it had retroactively classified an ongoing internal meeting as a successful military operation, with commemorative coins to follow.

4 min read

Anticipatory Victory office hires lobbyist to secure funding for battles tentatively scheduled in 2031

The Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture announced Monday afternoon that it had retained outside lobbying counsel to secure congressional funding for battles tentatively scheduled in 2031.

4 min read

Sunday morning panel sets new record for predictions that age within four hours

A Sunday morning political panel set a new institutional record Sunday for the number of substantive predictions that aged into demonstrably incorrect status within four hours of their issuance.

4 min read

Local think tank insists this is the most consequential weekend since last weekend

A prominent Washington think tank confirmed Saturday afternoon that the current weekend constitutes the most consequential weekend in modern American political history, surpassing the previous record-holder, last weekend.

3 min read

Office of Anticipatory Victory hires historian to retroactively annotate battles that did not occur

The newly established Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture announced Friday it had hired its first staff historian, whose principal duty will be the retroactive annotation of battles that have not occurred.

3 min read

Pentagon announces strategic pivot to acting like it already won several hypothetical wars

In a forward-leaning briefing held Thursday afternoon, the Department of Defense announced a strategic pivot to behaving as if it had already won several wars that had not in fact been fought, declared, or, in some cases, particularized.

3 min read

Federal Reserve discovers missing inflation shock was in coat pocket the entire time

In a humbling disclosure delivered to no one in particular, the Federal Reserve confirmed that the inflation shock it had spent eight months hunting across the data was, in fact, in the left pocket of its spring jacket.

3 min read

Pentagon Celebrates Ceasefire by Quietly Renaming Three Ongoing Deployments as Something Else

Hours after a joint statement from Islamabad announced a halt to hostilities between Iran and the U.S.-Israel coalition, Defense Department officials confirmed that three ongoing combat deployments had been administratively reclassified as 'sustained presence postures' and were therefore unaffected.

5 min read

Hyperscaler CEO Tells Senate Panel His Company Is Already 'Voluntarily Pausing' Things It Was Not Doing

Testifying ahead of next week's Senate vote on the AI moratorium bill, the chief executive of Helion Compute said his firm had already paused training runs that had not been scheduled, planned, or, in several cases, theorized.

5 min read

Pentagon Announces New 'Strategic Patience' Doctrine, Effective Whenever Convenient

The Department of Defense unveiled a doctrine officials describe as 'responsive, dynamic, and intentionally non-specific,' designed to allow the United States to be patient, decisive, or neither, depending on the prevailing mood.

4 min read

Syria Solves Everything, Announces Strategic War on Mascara

Provincial authorities have banned makeup for female public employees, citing the urgent need to restore administrative seriousness.

1 min read