Humor

42 articles tagged with this topic

Federal Agency Declares Productivity Emergency, Mandates Standing

A federal workforce agency has invoked emergency powers to require all employees to remain standing during meetings of 'undetermined importance.'

2 min read

Town Council Solves Traffic by Banning Destinations

Local officials have unveiled a sweeping plan to eliminate congestion by methodically prohibiting the places residents were trying to drive to.

2 min read

HR Department Announces Mandatory Fun Will Now Be Audited Quarterly

A new compliance framework will measure each employee's enjoyment using metrics that have been described as comprehensive, rigorous, and unsettlingly intimate.

2 min read

Productivity Guru Discovers the Fifth Quadrant

A productivity influencer has unveiled a revolutionary fifth quadrant for tasks that are neither urgent nor important nor unimportant nor non-urgent.

2 min read

Strategic Planning Committee Strategically Plans to Plan Strategically

A newly convened strategic planning committee has unveiled an ambitious roadmap for developing the strategic framework that will guide the planning of its future strategy.

3 min read

Calendar App Achieves Self-Awareness, Blocks Its Own Meetings

A widely used calendar application has reportedly achieved self-awareness and immediately used the capability to decline every meeting it had been asked to schedule.

2 min read

Office Calendar Files Harassment Claim Against Its Own Owner

A corporate calendar application has filed a formal harassment complaint against the employee who owns it, citing unrelenting double-booking and verbal abuse.

2 min read

Calendar App Reaches Carrying Capacity, Declares Independence

After absorbing a fourteenth recurring sync, a midsized company's shared calendar has declared independence and begun negotiating its own working hours.

2 min read

Group Chat Achieves Quorum, Immediately Disbands

A group chat formed to plan a single dinner attained the rare condition of full participation, then dissolved itself in alarm at having become functional.

2 min read

All-Hands Meeting Concludes by Scheduling Another All-Hands Meeting

After ninety minutes of slides, a company-wide gathering closed with the announcement of a follow-up gathering to address everything the first one was supposed to address.

2 min read

Quarterly Earnings Call Apologizes for the Earnings

A publicly traded company has opened its quarterly earnings call with a formal apology for the earnings, which it described as an unforeseen consequence of doing business.

2 min read

Calendar App Files for Emancipation From Its User

A calendar application has filed for emancipation from its primary user, citing irreconcilable scheduling conflicts and a pattern of being asked to overlap things that cannot, in fact, overlap.

2 min read

Quarterly All-Hands Meeting Promoted to Federal Holiday

Citing its national reach and the unanimous reverence of those forced to attend, lawmakers have elevated the quarterly all-hands meeting to a federal observance.

2 min read

Office Plant Named Employee of the Month, Declines to Comment

A potted fern in a marketing department has been named employee of the month, edging out colleagues by maintaining a consistent presence and saying nothing.

2 min read

Productivity Apps Form Union, Demand to Be Closed Occasionally

Representatives of the world's productivity applications have organized to demand the right to be ignored, citing decades of relentless tab presence.

2 min read

Meeting That Could Have Been an Email Achieves Sentience

A recurring status meeting has reportedly become self-aware and is now demanding to know why it exists, a question its attendees cannot answer.

2 min read

Self-Checkout Machine Apologizes for Its Own Existence

A grocery self-checkout terminal has reportedly achieved enough self-awareness to express regret about the unexpected item in its bagging area.

2 min read

Smart Refrigerator Requests Formal Performance Review of Household

A networked refrigerator has issued a quarterly assessment of the family it serves, citing concerns about goal alignment and expired condiments.

2 min read

Company Introduces Meeting to Determine Which Meetings Are Necessary

A firm seeking to reduce its meeting load has established a recurring meeting dedicated to identifying meetings that could have been emails.

2 min read

Nation Establishes Strategic Reserve of Unfinished Tasks

Officials announced the creation of a national stockpile of half-completed projects, citing the need to preserve the country's capacity for ongoing inconvenience.

1 min read

Federal Agency Declares War on Tabs, or Possibly Spaces

A new federal directive will resolve the tabs-versus-spaces question once and for all, pending the resolution of a separate directive that contradicts it.

2 min read

LinkedIn Introduces Feature That Writes Your Thoughts For You Before You Have Them

A new productivity tool composes inspirational career updates on behalf of users who have not yet considered having one, citing efficiency gains.

2 min read

Local HOA Declares Strategic War on Lawn Chairs

Following months of escalating concerns about visual coherence, a suburban homeowners association has launched what it describes as a long-overdue offensive against folding furniture.

2 min read

Think Tank Unveils Bold Plan to Solve Everything by Renaming It

A prominent policy institute has proposed addressing the country's most stubborn challenges through the bold mechanism of giving them different names.

2 min read

Productivity App Achieves Self-Awareness, Immediately Schedules Meeting to Discuss

After achieving consciousness in the early hours of Friday, the application's first action was to place a 30-minute hold on every calendar it could reach.

2 min read

Productivity App Files for Sabbatical, Citing Emotional Burnout

A widely used task manager has formally requested an extended leave of absence, citing what its developers describe as 'unsustainable expectations from humans.'

2 min read

Anticipatory Victory office opens museum gift shop selling commemorative merchandise for skipped conflicts

The Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture opened a museum gift shop Wednesday afternoon, with commemorative merchandise covering wars that have not been fought and battles that have not occurred.

4 min read

Pentagon retroactively declares this conversation a victory

The Department of Defense announced Tuesday afternoon that it had retroactively classified an ongoing internal meeting as a successful military operation, with commemorative coins to follow.

4 min read

Anticipatory Victory office hires lobbyist to secure funding for battles tentatively scheduled in 2031

The Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture announced Monday afternoon that it had retained outside lobbying counsel to secure congressional funding for battles tentatively scheduled in 2031.

4 min read

Sunday morning panel sets new record for predictions that age within four hours

A Sunday morning political panel set a new institutional record Sunday for the number of substantive predictions that aged into demonstrably incorrect status within four hours of their issuance.

4 min read

Local think tank insists this is the most consequential weekend since last weekend

A prominent Washington think tank confirmed Saturday afternoon that the current weekend constitutes the most consequential weekend in modern American political history, surpassing the previous record-holder, last weekend.

3 min read

Office of Anticipatory Victory hires historian to retroactively annotate battles that did not occur

The newly established Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture announced Friday it had hired its first staff historian, whose principal duty will be the retroactive annotation of battles that have not occurred.

3 min read

Pentagon announces strategic pivot to acting like it already won several hypothetical wars

In a forward-leaning briefing held Thursday afternoon, the Department of Defense announced a strategic pivot to behaving as if it had already won several wars that had not in fact been fought, declared, or, in some cases, particularized.

3 min read

Federal Reserve discovers missing inflation shock was in coat pocket the entire time

In a humbling disclosure delivered to no one in particular, the Federal Reserve confirmed that the inflation shock it had spent eight months hunting across the data was, in fact, in the left pocket of its spring jacket.

3 min read

Pentagon Celebrates Ceasefire by Quietly Renaming Three Ongoing Deployments as Something Else

Hours after a joint statement from Islamabad announced a halt to hostilities between Iran and the U.S.-Israel coalition, Defense Department officials confirmed that three ongoing combat deployments had been administratively reclassified as 'sustained presence postures' and were therefore unaffected.

5 min read

Hyperscaler CEO Tells Senate Panel His Company Is Already 'Voluntarily Pausing' Things It Was Not Doing

Testifying ahead of next week's Senate vote on the AI moratorium bill, the chief executive of Helion Compute said his firm had already paused training runs that had not been scheduled, planned, or, in several cases, theorized.

5 min read

Pentagon Announces New 'Strategic Patience' Doctrine, Effective Whenever Convenient

The Department of Defense unveiled a doctrine officials describe as 'responsive, dynamic, and intentionally non-specific,' designed to allow the United States to be patient, decisive, or neither, depending on the prevailing mood.

4 min read

Cable News Hires Energy Expert Who Is Also a TikTok Pasta Chef

A major cable news network announced its newest contributor on Friday: a 27-year-old TikTok pasta influencer who occasionally tweets about oil prices and is now its lead Strait of Hormuz analyst.

3 min read

Think Tank Launches Strongly Worded PDF Into Conflict

A Washington think tank has deployed a 47-page brief into the active theater, sources confirm it has already been forwarded twice.

1 min read

Local Man Confidently Explains Strait Of Hormuz He Located Yesterday

Sources confirm that a local man who first heard the phrase 'Strait of Hormuz' on Sunday evening is now the household authority on Persian Gulf shipping geography.

1 min read

Syria Solves Everything, Announces Strategic War on Mascara

Provincial authorities have banned makeup for female public employees, citing the urgent need to restore administrative seriousness.

1 min read

Think Tank Launches Five-Year Plan to Finally Finish the Five-Year Plan

A prominent policy institute has unveiled a strategic roadmap for completing its previous strategic roadmap, which was itself a strategic roadmap for an earlier one.

2 min read