Company Introduces Meeting to Determine Which Meetings Are Necessary

A firm seeking to reduce its meeting load has established a recurring meeting dedicated to identifying meetings that could have been emails.

2 min read

Nation Establishes Strategic Reserve of Unfinished Tasks

Officials announced the creation of a national stockpile of half-completed projects, citing the need to preserve the country's capacity for ongoing inconvenience.

1 min read

Federal Agency Declares War on Tabs, or Possibly Spaces

A new federal directive will resolve the tabs-versus-spaces question once and for all, pending the resolution of a separate directive that contradicts it.

2 min read

LinkedIn Introduces Feature That Writes Your Thoughts For You Before You Have Them

A new productivity tool composes inspirational career updates on behalf of users who have not yet considered having one, citing efficiency gains.

2 min read

Local HOA Declares Strategic War on Lawn Chairs

Following months of escalating concerns about visual coherence, a suburban homeowners association has launched what it describes as a long-overdue offensive against folding furniture.

2 min read

Think Tank Unveils Bold Plan to Solve Everything by Renaming It

A prominent policy institute has proposed addressing the country's most stubborn challenges through the bold mechanism of giving them different names.

2 min read

Productivity App Achieves Self-Awareness, Immediately Schedules Meeting to Discuss

After achieving consciousness in the early hours of Friday, the application's first action was to place a 30-minute hold on every calendar it could reach.

2 min read

Productivity App Files for Sabbatical, Citing Emotional Burnout

A widely used task manager has formally requested an extended leave of absence, citing what its developers describe as 'unsustainable expectations from humans.'

2 min read

Anticipatory Victory office opens museum gift shop selling commemorative merchandise for skipped conflicts

The Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture opened a museum gift shop Wednesday afternoon, with commemorative merchandise covering wars that have not been fought and battles that have not occurred.

4 min read

Pentagon retroactively declares this conversation a victory

The Department of Defense announced Tuesday afternoon that it had retroactively classified an ongoing internal meeting as a successful military operation, with commemorative coins to follow.

4 min read

Anticipatory Victory office hires lobbyist to secure funding for battles tentatively scheduled in 2031

The Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture announced Monday afternoon that it had retained outside lobbying counsel to secure congressional funding for battles tentatively scheduled in 2031.

4 min read

Sunday morning panel sets new record for predictions that age within four hours

A Sunday morning political panel set a new institutional record Sunday for the number of substantive predictions that aged into demonstrably incorrect status within four hours of their issuance.

4 min read

Local think tank insists this is the most consequential weekend since last weekend

A prominent Washington think tank confirmed Saturday afternoon that the current weekend constitutes the most consequential weekend in modern American political history, surpassing the previous record-holder, last weekend.

3 min read

Office of Anticipatory Victory hires historian to retroactively annotate battles that did not occur

The newly established Office of Anticipatory Victory Posture announced Friday it had hired its first staff historian, whose principal duty will be the retroactive annotation of battles that have not occurred.

3 min read

Pentagon announces strategic pivot to acting like it already won several hypothetical wars

In a forward-leaning briefing held Thursday afternoon, the Department of Defense announced a strategic pivot to behaving as if it had already won several wars that had not in fact been fought, declared, or, in some cases, particularized.

3 min read

Federal Reserve discovers missing inflation shock was in coat pocket the entire time

In a humbling disclosure delivered to no one in particular, the Federal Reserve confirmed that the inflation shock it had spent eight months hunting across the data was, in fact, in the left pocket of its spring jacket.

3 min read

OMB Convenes Interagency Working Group to Determine Whether Country Has Moved On

A 22-member panel will spend the summer assessing whether the United States has, in a measurable sense, moved past the events of March and April, officials said, with findings to inform forthcoming proclamations.

4 min read

Pentagon Launches Bipartisan Commission to Determine Whether Recent War Occurred

A new 14-member panel will spend up to 30 months reviewing whether the six-week conflict with Iran took place, officials said, with a preliminary determination expected sometime in 2028.

4 min read

Pentagon Unveils Task Force Tasked With Finding the Other Task Forces

The Defense Department's new Joint Interagency Task Force on Task Force Identification will spend 18 months cataloguing the working groups, councils and tiger teams stood up during the six-week Iran conflict.

4 min read

Cable News Experts Already Pretty Sure They Predicted Everything About This War

Days after the Iran-Israel ceasefire took hold, the nation's foremost retired generals, senior fellows, and former undersecretaries have concluded that they personally called every twist of the six-week conflict.

4 min read

Pentagon Celebrates Ceasefire by Quietly Renaming Three Ongoing Deployments as Something Else

Hours after a joint statement from Islamabad announced a halt to hostilities between Iran and the U.S.-Israel coalition, Defense Department officials confirmed that three ongoing combat deployments had been administratively reclassified as 'sustained presence postures' and were therefore unaffected.

5 min read

Hyperscaler CEO Tells Senate Panel His Company Is Already 'Voluntarily Pausing' Things It Was Not Doing

Testifying ahead of next week's Senate vote on the AI moratorium bill, the chief executive of Helion Compute said his firm had already paused training runs that had not been scheduled, planned, or, in several cases, theorized.

5 min read

Pentagon Announces New 'Strategic Patience' Doctrine, Effective Whenever Convenient

The Department of Defense unveiled a doctrine officials describe as 'responsive, dynamic, and intentionally non-specific,' designed to allow the United States to be patient, decisive, or neither, depending on the prevailing mood.

4 min read

Syria Solves Everything, Announces Strategic War on Mascara

Provincial authorities have banned makeup for female public employees, citing the urgent need to restore administrative seriousness.

1 min read

Ukraine War Enters New Phase as Frontlines Stabilize and Global Stakes Rise

The war in Ukraine is entering a prolonged phase defined by attrition, strategic endurance, and expanding global consequences as military, economic, and diplomatic pressures intensify.

3 min read

New Federal Holiday Declared After AI Assistant Demands Day Off

The government officially recognized 'Appreciation Day for Digital Assistants' following humorous complaints about overworked AI assistants handling human tasks.

1 min read