In a unanimous vote described by attendees as “uncomfortably calm,” a suburban town council has resolved its decades-long traffic crisis by issuing a formal ban on destinations.

The ordinance, titled A Resolution to Reduce Vehicular Movement by Removing Reasons for It, prohibits residents from driving to grocery stores, schools, dentists, in-laws, or any location identified by the Department of Local Planning as “a place a person might intend to go.”

“We have studied congestion for thirty-six years,” the council chair announced. “Every model we ran suggested the same thing: traffic occurs when people leave their homes and try to arrive somewhere. Both halves of that sentence have now been addressed.”

The new framework will be enforced through a tiered system. Tier One destinations — the post office, the pharmacy, and the one diner that everyone insists is “fine” — will be closed Monday through Friday. Tier Two destinations, including the highway entrance ramps and the parking lot that no one understands the layout of, will be sealed with decorative shrubs.

Residents will be permitted to drive without restriction, provided they do not arrive anywhere. Officials clarified that circling indefinitely is encouraged and remains “vehicular movement of the most cooperative kind.”

A spokesperson for the town’s traffic engineering office expressed relief at the simplification of her duties. “For years we tried roundabouts, turn lanes, signal timing, and a series of increasingly bitter public meetings. It turns out the issue all along was that the destinations existed.”

Local businesses raised concerns. The owner of a hardware store noted that her customers, while now able to reach her parking lot, would be forcibly redirected upon recognition. “They get within ten feet of the door, and a city employee gently rotates them back toward their vehicle,” she said. “Everyone is being very polite about it.”

School officials reported uncertainty about the policy’s implications for student attendance. The superintendent confirmed that while students are still required to receive an education, they are no longer permitted to receive it at the school, which has been reclassified as a destination. A working group is studying whether learning could be conducted entirely within moving vehicles, “ideally in a southerly direction.”

Emergency services received an exemption after a brief debate. The fire chief had initially argued that fire trucks should not be allowed to arrive at fires, citing the council’s logical consistency, but was talked down by colleagues who noted that fires themselves were technically destinations.

A neighboring town has reportedly begun studying the policy with interest. Its planning committee is considering an even bolder approach: banning origins as well, on the grounds that traffic also requires a place from which a journey begins.

The council closed the meeting by congratulating itself on at last identifying a problem within its jurisdiction. A follow-up ordinance is expected to address sidewalks, which several members described as “essentially a stationary form of arriving.”

Residents are reminded that all driving must now occur for its own sake. A help line has been established for citizens unsure of where not to go.